You’re not just another billboard on the side of the road, and if you want to be seen, you have to be seen. And just as wherever you go, there you are, action begets outcome.
The sales process begins with words and good web copy will hold your vibe and close-talk to your ideal client. The words and phrases on your site have one purpose… to make you money, and guess what? You can make fat stacks with anti-boring words; pretty words, quirky words, any words, as long as they’re the right words.
You won’t catch 007 in his jammies here. Here, he is Bond. James Bond, true to his essence and stripped to the bone.

About Page

Blast some serious balls with an About Page that weeps brilliance and shows your guts. Custom fit, built from scratch and designed to showcase your mad skilz.
This page is the cornerstone of your site and where you catch your clients The secret? It’s not about you, but you in relation to them.

Home Page

Lions, not lambs. The essence of your product must strut its stuff and dominate those who challenge its supremacy. Mark your turf with a Home Page that leads the pack. Or flock. Or, whatever.
When a prospect lands here, they should know within seconds what you do. Name their problems and list your solutions. Sell, sell, sell.

Services Page

List your services here. Duh. Make them sound cool. Yup.

Blog Posts

If you suck at writing, let the wordsmith do it. There are approximately 10 gabillionzillion blogs out there. If you want to be seen, step up to the ledge, get ready to fall, and I’ll make you fly.

Don’t be that guy. Try something new. It’s hard not to sound cliché when telling people why their About Page should be special. Your About Page is the most important page on your…bla bla bla.

BORE-RING

Your About Page must showcase your authentic self. (I’m gonna hurl if I hear “authentic” one more time.)

CLEE-SHAY-HAY

Your About Page tells the story of…more bla bla bla.

KILL ME NOW!

In all fairness, the About Page does tell a story, but I’m bored of boring stories, and I don’t give a flying rat’s ass about your love of growing tomatoes unless you chop that shit up and make me some salsa.

Telling a story should be more than getting from A to Z.

Linear is overrated. Try F to Z to A to G. Mix that shit up. Use caution because this is easier said than done – if you’re not organized about it, you’ll end up with a patchwork quilt that looks like vomit.

YOU: “What do you suggest, Pond. Jill Pond? How do I write an About Page?”

ME: “Well, Timmy, I’m glad you asked! Below you’ll find the complete guide to writing an informative yet compelling About Page. One that doesn’t suck balls.”

YOU: “Oh, thank god. I hate sucking balls.”

ME: “Right?”

So…where to start? Start with F. A is boring, so pick a starting point that isn’t the beginning.

YES: “Selling vacuums door-to-door wasn’t an avocation that called to me, but there I was, spilling water onto an old lady’s carpet to demonstrate the out-of-this-world suction power of the Amazing Fairfax vacuum cleaner. It was a pivotal moment and I suddenly knew that crawling on a stranger’s carpet in a polyester suit was a stinging insult to my intellect. I would not be mediocre anymore.”

NO: “I grew up in Denver, where I rode a horse to school, in the snow, uphill both ways. This sparked my love for travel and I’ve been doing it ever since.”

BARF.

Let me start you on a different path to telling people about yo’ fine-ass self.

Try This:

Be That Kid. Let’s talk about me and my That Kid. Start out with something surprising and unconventional that provokes emotion. From humor to heartstrings; make them feel something. What voice will you use to make them want you?

For Example:
“Were you That Kid, growing up? The weird one? Yeah, that was me, but this isn’t your typical band-camp story, nope, it’s about finding the balls to be myself and embracing my own brand of peculiar exclusivity.”

Who’s your That Kid?

Mine is weirdo kid turned unconventional adult (who is awesome). I found power in “embracing my own peculiar brand of exclusivity”, which is relevant to my clients because it’s how I’m going to help them overcome their problems. That Kid is the hero, the baller, the champion.

Make them want to read more. No matter how tempted you are, DO NOT be cliché. Aim to speak your client’s native tongue; don’t cuss unless granny cusses. Brevity is good; the client is anxious to talk about more important topics, like…the client.

Tell The Client About The Client

Enough about me, let’s talk about you! I love discussing the nuances of my ME, and so does everyone else. Close-talk to your customer about their trials and tribulations. Their struggle is real and you feel their pain.

Standing out is imperative. You’re lost in a herd of competitors, trying to be seen. Be the black sheep. Or green, or yellow – they have to see you if you want to sell them your services.

You’re the expert. Be sure they know that you know what they’re struggling with (The Problem) and that you know how to help (The Solution).

You want to sell your services in a straight-forward, yet riveting manner, but writing appealing copy free of cliché phrases and words is no easy task. This is my thing. Creating beautiful and clever ways to say boring things is my Michael Phelps to your 200 meter fly.

Tell them exactly what you do as it pertains to their needs, and exactly how you’ll help them with The Problem.

For Example:
I write unconventional copy for brands who require a certain je ne sais quoi, or, indefinable and elusive quality to their copy. Your products and services will sell when the words seduce your customers.

More About Me As It Relates To You

This is a good place to pull out the bedazzler and snazz up your jean jacket from 8th grade. Tell a story about you as it relates to them. This is important. Don’t be tempted to prattle on about Whiskers the cat or that time you broke your arm in 5 places – this is precious real estate and you want words that make them heart you so hard.

For Example:
“I’m not preaching to the choir, nope, I spent years trying to shove my weirdness into a box and I accomplished nothing but wasted years that I’ll never get back, and stifling all that made my ME. Still with me? Good. The box must go. So… what happened?”

…my “what happened” is all about the customer.

Tell them again, how and why you’re qualified to help, and what you’re going to do to solve The Problem.

Another Example:
“I write copy and create imagery for avant-garde brands that want words that sell. Let’s dig in, find YOU and put YOU on the page to create copy that would kill if it didn’t have a conscience.”

You’re in this together and now it’s game time. You know the rules, you’ve trained hard, and you’re ready to win. Throw the pitch and lob it on in there so they can hit it out of the gat-dayum park. This is your BIG call to action.

“BUY NOW” “LET’S DO THIS” “GET ‘ER DONE” “GET STARTED”

(seriously… you can click here)

At the bottom of your About Page, take some liberties and show off a bit. Your accomplishments, your experience, and maybe a sentence or 2 about you and your personal life. Brevity is good.

For Example:
“As featured in Cat n’ Paws Magazine.”

“When my children aren’t driving me to drink, we enjoy long walks on the beach and eating copious amounts of sugar.”

Are you ready?

Carve out an hour (or 5), put your pen to paper, and tell us About You. If the thinking about your About Page gives you hives, don’t worry. If you don’t have time, not a problem.

What’s that? You suck at writing?

That’s OK – I love this shit. Let’s talk and let me write a page about you that shows your guts and blasts some serious balls.

“Yes, Please. Write My About Page, Pond, Jill Pond.”

(No, really. You can actually click here.)